Gone insane from the pain

•August 1, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Come eat some chemicals with me…

Scars on Broadway.. the newly formed band from remnants of System of a Down. A good way to start off the end of the summer for music. Theres much to look forward to musically coming the next few months, and this album is a great lead into it. I highly recommend taking a listen.

I’d like to take some time today to talk about patterns.

3.a natural or chance marking, configuration, or design: patterns of frost on the window.

Life is full of them. We develop them as we go. But waking up, taking a piss, and brushing your teeth is not the type of pattern I’m talking about.

Natural occurrences.ย  The type of patterns that seem to be well out of our control. What do they mean? Do they even exist? Are we bound by some universal pattern that we have no clue about?

Exhibit A..

At 17 Shannon is pregnant
As young as her mom when she had her
Her kid is never gonna have a dad
The same old way that Shannon never had
What comes around well it goes around
Nothing changes cause it’s all the same
The world you get’s the one you give away
It all just happens again
Way down the line
And all the things you learn when you’re a kid
You’ll fuck up just like your parents did
It all just happens again
Way down the line

Is the above some pattern? It seems so. And it seems true too. Certainly we have some sort of control that we retain over this pattern, people break out of what is “expected” of them all the time. Children in India educate, and throughout their life, break out of the third world and become doctor’s. But more often than not, people fall into the pattern that seems to be handed to them.

It could go hand-in-hand with predestination… fate. Are we all dealt our cards when we are born, or perhaps earlier? I say no. As much as I would like to tell myself that all the things that I go through, all the experiences, are just the will of a higher power (fate or god(s).. I think it’s a cop out.

Fate is just an excuse weak people use to justify what is happening to them in there lives. Instead of self-reflecting, and seeing that they themselves have a problem. They just simply state “Oh, well.. it must be fate”

When a couple goes through a break up, the one getting their heart broken, who is longing for that other person continually gets told that “If it’s meant to be, it will be.” Sure its a quick and simple fix. Hearing that lifts the person up… but it’s just an excuse, and a harming one at that.

The choices we make are OUR choices, and when one of OUR choices fail, we should not turn to something to fall back on. We should learn from our mistakes, and when you use the word “fate” you don’t learn anything. You’re finding a release for your pain, but since you are not learning the lesson, you’re just lining yourself up to make the same mistake again.

People seem to be so afraid to break the patterns that emerge throughout our lives. We are afraid to take personal responsibility for our actions and grow from them. It is a scary thing. History proves that mistakes get repeated. But if we never heard or said things like “It’s the will of the gods” maybe the world would be a better place today.

Think about it. If we all took personal responsibility for our actions, would history repeat itself so much?

Bleh. I just got a banging on my door saying dinner was done and that totally threw my train of thought off. I forgot where I was going with that. And now I have to think about something positive to end this with…

If we draw upon the strengths within ourselves, and admit that the mistakes we make are our faults, and not some unseen power, or a universal pattern. Maybe, just maybe our lives would be more harmonious.

So next time you make a mistake, no matter how minimal, or major. Look inwards, learn from it, and strengthen yourself.

*Beefs up*



Here I sit with a heart full of feeling..

•July 29, 2008 • 2 Comments

I am a seeker of the simple life. The mundane amuses me, though monotony I’ll pass on as much as possible. I am greatful that I can live my life as such.ย  Though I am lonely, I am realizing through my lonliness that I have been missing out on what is truly important to me. Simplicity. Watching a candle burn to nothing but a flickering pile of wax. This I have not been able to do in quite some time.

I find peace within it all. The world is a complicated place, only because we as humans choose to complicate it. Not many people these days can be content with just laying in the grass, or watching a thunderstorm through the window. Because the world has gotten so busy, we ourselves feel the urge to keep busy at all times.

Even at times when I am relaxing, I still get the feeling of “boredom” this I laugh at, because, really.. what is boredom? Laying down and falling within your own mind is entertainment as much as anything else. There are many people out there who are not content with doing nothing. They always have to be doing something.. I don’t understand these people, and more and more it seems that this is the way human life is progressing period.

People tell me all the time that I should get out and enjoy my young, single life, while I still can. Usually, what this means is “Dude, you should be like.. going out to bars and stuff”.. when someone asks me what I do for fun and I say goto parks, I get a funny look. I mean.. enjoy whatever you enjoy people, but don’t look at me all goofy like just because I don’t like the things an average 23 year old likes.

I am content with how simpleย  my life is, I only hope that sometime throughout my simple life, I will find another person who can sit back and enjoy simplicity as much as I do. Somehow I don’t see that happening before I’m 30, unless I meet someone older. People in their 20’s are all about partying and all that “fun” stuff… thats just not who I am.

I have never fit in with my age bracket though. I take solace in that ๐Ÿ™‚

I don’t know if it’s because I have an old soul, or just all that I’ve been through in my life made me grow up faster than everyone else. Whatever it is.. I’m thankful. Though sometimes it makes me feel bad, and feel like I will be alone like this forever, most of the time, it makes me feel good.. it’s a boost to know that you’re ahead of the game.

I try to learn as much as possible throughout my life, about anything I can. If I don’t learn at least one new thing a day… I will not let that day end. Sometimes I feel like people like myself are a dying breed. But thats baloney.. I know there are still people out there who enjoy the simple things.. like knowledge.. just as much as I.

Thats all I got for now.. I promise tomorrow I will bring something strange and weird to this blog ๐Ÿ™‚ I feel the weird building in my as I type.

Peace may come soon, but first…

•July 26, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Religion. Belief. It is a strange notion. Yet.. everyone spends quite some time in their life.. if not their entire life searching for it, or practicing. Why?

Tonight was a very revealing night to me. I have been searching for a religion to call mine. 16 years it has been since I first started thinking for myself, and thinking about what is the meaning of existence. Seeking some solace in a belief structure that *feels* right. I put emphasis on the word feels because to me religion is not just a thought, or guidelines to follow and live your life by. It’s more than that. It’s more than just faith as well. Religion is something you should feel within every fiber of your being.

For many years, I had no idea what I believed.. if I had any beliefs, or where to begin the search. I was completely lost. Without hope, and even claimed to be an atheist at times. As time passed and I gained more knowledge over various religions and philosophies, I started to develop my own core beliefs. None of the “mainstream” religions felt right, nor did I agree with their practices. So I took a bit from here and there, and developed something to live my life by, that felt right to me.

Just a few months ago, my core belief system was complete. I knew what I felt, and knew that it was indeed my beliefs.

But, before I go on with my story, I would like to talk about Religion, the subject.

How silly of an idea? Yet, nearly every human on the planet feels like there is something higher than ourselves. Why is that? We are clearly the dominate species on this world. All of my negative thoughts about the human race aside (Believe me I could go on for days about what I feel for the human race)… we have evolved into something great.

But.. for whatever reason.. we still feel like we are not enough. There HAS to be something else. Is this just because we are the dominate species of the planet.. or could it simply stem from the fact that everything we have feared is now beneath us.. and the only thing humans fear is humans themselves?

There are many religions out there that use fear as a tactic to “herd the flock.” I don’t believe that religion started out this way… no.. I think they use fear as a tool to get people to conform. Shame, religion, god.. the afterlife.. should be something that is loved and embraced. Not feared. People should do good things because they want to do good things… not because they are afraid of repercussions.

This is by and far one of the largest factors in me swearing off organized religion. I wont point any fingers, because everyone is entitled to believe what they want. But.. I feel sorry for followers of these churches. Cult I think is a more appropriate word.. but again.. thats my perspective.

Then you have other religions, or sects/denominations of religions who are skewed and believe that anyone who doesn’t follow the word of <insert god here> will be punished for eternity. What. The. Fuck. I honestly have a hard time seeing how anyone can believe this. To say that because I don’t believe the same things you do, that I am a terrible person and I am going to burn for it? I’m sorry, but if god created everything, I absolutely cannot believe that he/she/them would punish us for not having “faith.”

It’s bullshit.

To add to that.. you have other sects/denominations that think they followers will be rewarded for punishing and carrying out judgment on non-believers. Yes, I realize this is only in extreme cases, but wow.. just wow. Thats not belief.. thats called insanity. But… more times than not.. religion is just used as a scapegoat to carry out some other equally fucked up agenda of some crazy douchebag, and brainwash the followers into doing their fucked up biddings.


The thing that chaffs my loins the most though.. is why people can’t just let everyone believe what they want and leave it be. Why do you have to attack people, or say this, or say that, preach this and preach that.. try to get the “other group” out of the picture? It’s not that fucking hard. Seriously.

The human race is a violent one, thats a given. I’m not saying lets all hold hands and be peaceful.. I know that will never happen. Ever. World peace is a fairy tale. All I’m saying is… Killing in the name of God is just obscene beyond everything else.

A man kills another man in cold blood. Happens every day, you see it all the time on the news. Sad.. but we hardly pay any attention to it.


When a man kills another man in the name of god.. it makes national.. sometimes international news.

Obviously when you throw god into the mix.. it makes any crime that much more obscene and horrific. Heh.. It’s kind of like shock rock.. or torture horror (movies like Saw and Hostel) Most of the time in the case of shock rock.. it’s not the music thats the big deal.. it’s what is being said in the music that creates all the hype and buzz and gets people listening.

It’s like emo kids cutting themselves with no intentions of following through with their “suicidal ideation.” It’s crap and it’s all just for attention.

By no means does this only apply to religion either.. thats just one example of many.. politics, business, advertising, hell… even love. It’s all about attention. But I’m getting off topic now.

But what about atheists Bob? Fuck. Atheists.

Yes, I said it. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I make an exception for Atheists. Why? Because Atheism is something that does not exist. To say you don’t believe in a higher power, or the afterlife, is purely asinine. A true atheist wouldn’t believe in anything, including fate and love. Furthermore, why would an atheist adhere to any morals? What would be the punishment, aside from the law of men, in killing someone? If there is no karma, and no divine retribution, then why not rob, kill, steal, cheat and all that other “bad” stuff? Why not just kill yourself? Life is about pain and suffering, and one way many many people deal with it is the belief that in the end, there is something there that pushes us in our mortal lives, and that if we do those bad things, we will be punished in some way for them. But you atheists don’t believe in anything… so why go through all the pain and suffering? Just off yourself now. Please.

*ahem* Sorry about that.

I’ll get back to my story now, and wrap up this entry with *woop woop* another positive note.

My search may be coming to a abrupt halt.

Tonight, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Without even realizing it, those core beliefs that I have formed in the past year or two, what I *feel* is right. Is shared identically with a religion that has existed for… who the hell knows how long.

This has been building for a while, and I will go into more details once I’m certain. But.. one hour tonight, and my world was totally flipped upside down. When it hit me, it felt like some enormous weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I honestly didn’t know how to feel.. and I can say this without a doubt, it was the same feeling you get when you fall hard hard hard in love.

But… who’s rushing things? I’ve learned what happens when you rush into feelings this big ๐Ÿ˜‰ Certainly.. the core beliefs between this religion and “my own” are identical. Now, it is time to look into the exact beliefs, and practices. It is time for me to stop searching outwards for a religion, and now search inwards, and take a journey inside. It is time for me to learn and interpret what I can from this religion before I decide to claim it as a part of me. It is a very very very large step for me, because a belief system can totally change your life, hopefully for the better.

I can’t say for sure yet. But, for certain… my world has been rocked and I am looking forward to delving within and hopefully finding some more answers. I have never been so scared, yet so excited. In all my search, I have never felt this when it comes to religions.


Socialization, Feral Children and craziness!

•July 23, 2008 • 1 Comment

Hi there.

This is my first post on my first blog. Anytime I post in this… there will be no topic, there will be no planning. I am not opening this up expecting people will read it. Rather the opposite.. but, if someone does eventually stumble upon this,.. most likely you will end up thinking I am absolutely insane. You’re probably right, too!

Here will be my place to let my fingers do the talking. Whatever my brain sends to my fingers. I’m sure there will be laughs, deep thoughts, self loathing, and a myriad of other “typical” things you would find in a personal blog. Yes.. I am becoming one of those people. This will be my corner of the internet. A public journal, and I am perfectly fine with that. If you are not.. piss off.

So.. enough of that.

Solitude is a funny thing. At times, being alone, in the quiet, with nothing except your own mind to keep you company can be a great thing. Oh, the journeys the mind can bring to us. Whether it be fantasies about living in another world, being another person, or just thinking about what you will be doing 5 minutes from now. But, more often than not, being alone with only your thoughts can be a difficult thing to deal with.

I used to know how to deal with solitude. Way back.. okay.. 7 years ago. I was 16, and I would go.. days, sometimes weeks with nearly no human interaction. Even then, there would only be one person I would socialize with. My best friend Bob. Bob and myself are similar people. We both have extreme social issues, and we both had extremely similar teenage lives. Okay.. that could only be half true. Once I joined the Army, my contact with Bob was nearly severed. I have not seen him in 5 years, I do talk to him quite a bit on the internet. It sounds to me like he has taken care of quite a bit of his social issues. I applaud him, I wish I could find the secret.

But.. getting back to my point. 16… weeks with hardly any human contact. I’m 23 now, and though I have human interaction daily. I feel more alone than I have ever been in my entire life. It could always be worse though, I know this. But.. it got me thinking.

I had a very short discussion earlier with a.. friend I will call her. Also something I have been thinking about the past few days. Can a human survive without ANY social interaction? If so, how long before they go completely insane?

So strange that I have been having these thoughts, and well.. tonight I came home, and I have had plans all week to watch the movie I am legend. I have never watched it up until now. People had talked alot of crap about that movie, but I don’t see why. I really connected with it. Being the pessimist that I am, the ending was a bit bleh.. but.. still a very good movie. I’m no critic however, and this blog is not about movie reviews..

While I was watching this movie, I couldn’t help but think about what I would do if I was in the character’s shoes. Such as… would I have the resolve and fortitude to continue, or would I just give up? I don’t think I do, and I believe that I would have given up long before. In fact… I don’t think any human could. Yes, we have the survival instinct that keeps us going through very hard things. But how long can we rely on our instincts.. with the minds we have.

He did have a companion, although not a human. Would that count? We can connect with animals, sometimes even deeper than we connect with our own kind. So there is always that.. and the memory of people to keep you going. But I think it would be the memory that would drag us down and make us quit.

Also, he did experience some sort of delusion. The mannequins he had posted up, he spoke with them. I don’t think this technically counts as insanity however. They didn’t speak back to him. That and, he knew they didn’t speak back to him.

As humans we need social interaction to survive. Period. But how long could we survive without.

I have watched specials, and read stories about Feral Children. Kids that are locked up.. usually by force or some bat shit crazy “parent” for years, sometimes decades. These kids have under-developed brains because of it, and have little or no speech, social ability, and very little hope for rehabilitation. Have these kids been driven insane due to the unfortunate events that has been forced upon them?

I don’t think so… I couldn’t say so because they have obviously lived quite sometime in there shelter, with literally no human interaction besides the occasional feeding. Which proves they can survive. The reason I wouldn’t call them insane is because the cause is a under-developed brain…. but.. at the same time.. what are all insane people? Either an under-developed.. miss-developed.. or possibly over-developed brain.

Who’s to say.. I’m no expert. The point I’m trying to make is, if it was all they’ve known their entire life.. they have adapted. One thing we are extremely good at and the reason why I don’t think the human race will ever fully perish. (One can still hope though)

It has been proven that during the development stages of our lives is when we are like a sponge. Someone who starts playing guitar when they are 7 will more than likely be more attuned to the instrument than someone who starts playing guitar when they are 23… even if they’ve had the same amount of practice.

So if thats the case.. human children would be able to adapt to things adults could not. If you locked a fully developed… sane adult into a cage for 3 years. I do believe they would go insane, and I would imagine try to commit suicide.

Solitary confinement in prisons could be used as an example here. From what I have seen… albeit mostly from TV.. the majority of people who spend a year or more in solitary confinement.. go quite insane. People who were coherent and capable before the year.

I am so curious about the science involved in the social dependency… or possible myth. Just another one of the plethora of questions I have that i will probably never get concrete answers on.

Regardless of if it gets answered or not.. being alone is by far, my biggest fear. I have a funny definition of being alone as well. I could write another thousand words to clearly define that word. But, I will just sum it up in a few. Being alone to me is never feeling complete.

I could have a hundred of the best friends someone could ask for, but still feel incomplete. But, I am only 23 years old. I have no idea what I have to do, or find to feel complete. It is hard to find a positive outlook on it because I have alot of negativity in my life. My friends are very great friends, but extremely negative. As am I. I would like to break out of my negative outlook on everything, but it seems like its ingrained in me now. The more I try to get away from it, the more it gets worse.

I say again though… I am only 23. I do believe that I still have quite a while left here in this realm. However, if my life were to end tomorrow, I would not be pleased with how I’ve lived, nor how many questions I have that I cannot seem to find the answers to. I can only find these answers in life. You would think that the realization of all this would cause someone to… change? Believe me, I want to. I can’t seem to find the way to change. No matter if I draw inspiration from an outside source, or from within myself.. nothing seems to be enough to get me to change. No matter how much I work for it.

Oh my.. I have so much more to say.. but the little tiny word counter to the left of this box tells me I have typed almost 1500 words. At the top of this blog I said it was 5am.. it is now 6:05. My fingers have not stopped.

But.. I feel like I should stop for now. However, I refuse to end any of these posts… ever.. on a negative vibe. So.. time for something positive.

Passion.. it is a beautiful thing. I do believe it is the meaning of life. Such a simple thing as well, yet there are many out there who have cloudy outlooks and complicate such a simple thing. Myself included. I honestly have no idea why. But one thing I do know is everyone is passionate about something. People may have stuffed it down, or put it on the back burner.

So right now, I am going to take a moment, and to whoever may read this, do it as well. Just take a few seconds, a few minutes, or even hours, think about what you are passionate about.

Focus on it.

Then smile.

Did you feel your heart flutter? I did.



Hello world!

•July 23, 2008 • 3 Comments

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!