Just passin’ the time, wonderin’ how you people will ever survive..

As the day progressed I went from okay, to hostile, back to okay, and then to feeling great. So, what happened? I woke up, later than I wanted to. Generally when that happens I’m in a pretty poopy mood. Then I got to work, and for the majority of the night, I noticed alot of rage building up within me. No idea where it came from exactly, I just wanted to explode on somebody.

Then me brain got ticking, it only took.. 7 hours for me to fully wake up and regain a fully functional mind, but we finally got there. So I started assessing my situation. What could be the cause for all my anger tonight.. I had a fairly good weekend, so I don’t think that was it. Hmm.. could it be work? Nah, whatever dismay I hold toward my place of work is quickly thwarted when I get home. Plus it’s payday today 😀

So.. if none of those, whats left? Women? Pft. Roommates? Nope, just as obnoxious as always.

“Eureka!” I said, in my mind of course. I promise I didn’t stand up in the middle of my office area and shout eureka!

I’m mad at myself. Explanation is due, of course. I’m happy with my life, and the way things are going. I’m finally back on track with my finances, I’m able to have all the cool widgets I’d like, I finally got rid of that nagging cut on the roof of my mouth we like to call “Jackie”… for good. *knock on wood*

“So.. with things finally starting to look up.. why on earth would hostility be a consequence of it Bob?”

Good question. I thought about that a lot.. and I have deduced the following response. I’m hostile towards myself because I am now generally okay with being alone. Here is a sample of the steps my thought process went through during this 20 minute “ish” period. Ahem..

  • I’m rather enjoying being alone, only having to answer to myself really. I see what the people around me have to put up with, and think how on earth could I have ever let myself fall to that level.
  • If I enjoy being alone like this, why would I ever give it up? Furthermore, the odds of finding the companion I’m looking for are slim to nil. Why bother?
  • I’ve proven to myself, that I don’t need a companion. I’m doing just fine, if not better than I ever have.
  • If I don’t need a companion, and I do better for myself without one, then what do I need friends for?
  • Is what I’ve gone through in my life going to cause me to become a selfish prick, who thinks the world revolves around him.. much like my father (Oooh, yeah.. I used the F word)

Damn, this formatting after the bullets wont fix itself. Oh well, thats what was going through my mind for twenty or so minutes. Alot of selfish thoughts, I’m not quite sure yet if all of that was a good or a bad thing. But, one thing I do know for certain is… I want to be selfish right now. I want to bask myself in riches and gifts, and do all the things that I have wanted to do, but couldn’t because I’ve spent a good portion of the past 6 years putting everyone else before myself.

Of course.. going to the extreme that my mind processed earlier, would be a bad thing. I think I may have possibly earned a bit of the right to be selfish for even just a little bit?

So… from all that I have come to a conclusion. I have lost touch of who Bob is over these years. How could I let this happen? In my eyes I was a very different person before I joined the army. In alot of ways the changes that I’ve went through have been good, but many bad as well.

Hrmm.. I think it’s time to change that. So thats exactly what I’m going to do over the next,… however long it takes.

The first steps I have already taken, without even fully realizing it. I want to “re-connect” with my love of computers. I’ve been seriously slacking in that department for many, many years. I have so much to re-learn, re-build, and re-do, among tons of new things to learn and do. I now am running twin monitors on my rig, and my word.. it makes life so much better having this much screen real estate.

From that, I’ve concluded that I’ve lost touch with just how much of a total nerd I really am. It’s actually gotten me into a lot of trouble, putting aside my nerdom like I have. The real Bob wouldn’t care about what kind of car he drives, or even really what random strangers think about him. So fuck it. Certainly I can’t just get rid of my cars, but I can do something about the whole strangers thing.

I don’t know what it is that has me thinking this way, I do know, however, that I have lost who I really am. Now is the time to reclaim that, in all the epic glory that is the true nerd, Bob.

Step 2 of reclaiming myself. Grow an epic beard. Yes.. I said it, I’m doing it. I’ve always wanted a beard that Moradin himself (Dwarven god, for you.. non-D&D nerdo’s) would be proud of. Huzzah! Fuck all you naysayers 😉 At the very least, I have to grow it, and if it turns out that I’m not a dwarf (NO FUCKING WAY, DWARVES AREN’T REAL?? *rolleyes*) and a beard doesn’t suit me. Well… then I will make friends with the razor again.

I has plans… plans I’m looking forward to, as well as many other things I’m looking forward to. Maybe sometime down the road, I’ll find someone who has many similarities to me, or can accept me for who I really am, and then live happily ever after.. or some such. I’m not even thinking about that right now, I only have visions of me in the future at this point, and I don’t care if thats selfish of me or not. I’ve earned it 😛

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~ by dorfeater on August 22, 2008.

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