So yes, I haven’t posted anything in quite some time. I’m probably just going to shut down this blog. Maybe I’ll start up a new one with a less general topic, something a bit more focused. *shrug*

I’m moving back home *cheers*

Here’s to hoping 2009 will be a much better year than the last.

I’d like to take a little bit of time and talk about alternate realities. This is often something I think about quite a bit. I couldn’t tell you why. I’m not sure what I can, and can’t believe. However, I can’t deny the fact that it could be possible.

For those of you who haven’t the first clue as to what I’m talking about, an alternate reality is just that. Whether it be like in the comic books where we live in a “multi-verse”.. multiple copies of the same world existing parallel together that comprise all reality.

Or, more of a simulated reality. For example, the world we live in is just a simultation. Yes.. everyone knows that one, I bet the first thing that popped into your head was “The Matrix.” Well, I can tell you right now the Wachowski brothers were not the first people to think of it.

A less known example of a simulated reality is a game called Second-Life. In a nutshell, the game is what would happen if you took myspace, The Sims, and the world economy. Got them all drunk and horny, and locked them in a room together. Yeah.. 9 months later, out pops Second-Life. For fuck sake, that game has it’s own currency that actually applies on the real world market. (You can exchange in-game currency for real life money) People own and operate business in virtual reality, and earn a living not only in Second-Life, but also in our reality. It’s extremely in depth.. a bit freaky, and raises alot of interesting thoughts. I’m not here to talk about Second-Life though, but here is an interesting fact. The currency in game is called Linden, the exchange rate as of Feb. 2008 – 320 Linden = 1 US Dollar. Just think about that.

Anyways.. back to the actual topic.

What is the difference between alternate reality, simulated reality, virtual reality, or “our” reality? Within another form of reality one can fufill mental and emotional needs, but not physical. We still need to eat, sleep, and… go #2. There is no way around that. We still need some form of income to support ourselves.. generally you can’t achieve this through virtual reality, though, there are exceptions. But even still… 2 outta 3. When you think about this type of technology, and it’s age.. it’s still very much in it’s infancy.

The internet, in a very primitive and government only form, started in 1985. It’s only 23 years old, and look how far it has come. I’m gonna go out on a limb here, and say that the internet has been the fastest growing technology, ever. Every year there is something new… every day.. every hour.

If it has come this far in 23 years.. what will it be when the internet has it’s 50th birthday?

Since the public started using the internet, it hasn’t slowed down one bit in it’s growth and development. Whats next?

Using the same way of thinking, all the virtual worlds use the internet, as it grows, what will these evolve into?

The possibilities are endless if you ask me. I honestly can’t fathom where it’s going to end up.

I want to touch a bit on simulated reality now. Yes, the matrix theory. What if something like this is true? If life as we know it, is all just…nothing. Moreover, if it is just a simulation.. it’s real to us, right? So then, how can it be a simulation? Ahh.. a paradox maybe?

Right now, some super computer.. I forget where.. is running an evolution simulation. Basically, some scientist’s have a computer cranking away, simulating life… our life if I recall. It starts out as nothing, and over time, evolves. It’s not programmed to do it.. well it is.. but… I suppose it’s a very primitive form of AI.

I couldn’t tell yah.. and google’s not helping me right now. Probably because it’s 4:30am.. and I’m just talking out my ass.

All of this comes about probably because of my games. I play them.. nay.. I live them. Many of you may think it’s sad.. or not normal. For those that do.. you honestly have no idea what you’re talking about so just leave it alone.

Anyways.. I’m running out of shit to say.. so I’m just gonna end with this.

I’m taking a break from reality, right now in my life, everything is just put on hold. I’m not having any sort of a “real” social life, I’m not doing anything, I am just exsisting. My life for the next months will be in a virtual world. Lemme just clear some shit up now..

No, I’m not depressed, I’m actually pretty happy.

No, I’m not trying to escape reality, or escape from my problems.

I’m simply putting my whole reality on hold right now, because I find it pointless at this point. I have plans for my life, but those plans are not happening until next summer, they can’t. So, I’m investing time into my virtual world simply to pass the time in the real world. Plus.. it helps me save money

I’m not locking away my own problems. I’m dealing with them, what I’m doing is not unhealthy in any way with one exception. My social skills that I lack so much in, are not getting any better, haha.

I am happy, I am looking forward to 10 months from now.

I’m not putting any tags on this. Quite frankly, I hope no one reads it. Much of it makes no sense.

The ramblings of Bob at 4…. 5am.

So, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything. Haven’t really felt inspired enough to write. Life’s going well and such. I have some time right now, waiting on some people in.. that game I play.. and I figured I jot down a few of my recent thoughts.

First off, I’d like to talk about Hurricane Ike. Seriously.. I feel bad for the people who have had their lives destroyed, houses.. and whatnot. I’m gonna go off on a bit of a rant, and I just wanted to post a.. disclaimer of sorts. With what I’m about to say.. I am not attacking all the victims of this storm. Now.. eat my words, muahaha.

How much of a piss filled brain do you have to have to see that every single news channel, weather channel, radio, and even the government is telling you that this is going to be a bad storm and not do anything about it.

There are fucktards right now, stranded on an island, most likely about to die from dehydration or something, floating on the driftwood that used to be their home. They have the audacity to beg the government for help saving them, when it was their fault in the first place. If they would have listened to the warnings, sure, their lives would be destroyed, but they wouldn’t be fighting for their life.

Back home, when we heard the tornado sirens, generally.. we got somewhere safe. Thats with 5 mins of warning. The meteorologists have been talking about Ike for over a week. Thats ample time to board up your windows and doors, fortify your house, grab as much valubles and family heirlooms as you can, gather up the kids, dogs, cats, mice, ferrets, newphew from the cage, and get the fuck outta dodge.

Seriously? Can people possibly be that fucking stupid. If they are.. then they deserve what they got. The whole world just needs some massive disaster to happen, period. I’m talking.. millions, nay, billions of people, wiped off the face of the earth all at the same time.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the particle collider will do just that next month.. but I seriously doubt it.

We all change, who am I to say something hasn’t changed until I experience it for myself. Today, I may be making another one of them mistakes. But, who can say until its happened. It could be a mistake, or it could be the best thing ever. Either way, it’s not going to change my life this time.

As the day progressed I went from okay, to hostile, back to okay, and then to feeling great. So, what happened? I woke up, later than I wanted to. Generally when that happens I’m in a pretty poopy mood. Then I got to work, and for the majority of the night, I noticed alot of rage building up within me. No idea where it came from exactly, I just wanted to explode on somebody.

Then me brain got ticking, it only took.. 7 hours for me to fully wake up and regain a fully functional mind, but we finally got there. So I started assessing my situation. What could be the cause for all my anger tonight.. I had a fairly good weekend, so I don’t think that was it. Hmm.. could it be work? Nah, whatever dismay I hold toward my place of work is quickly thwarted when I get home. Plus it’s payday today

So.. if none of those, whats left? Women? Pft. Roommates? Nope, just as obnoxious as always.

“Eureka!” I said, in my mind of course. I promise I didn’t stand up in the middle of my office area and shout eureka!

I’m mad at myself. Explanation is due, of course. I’m happy with my life, and the way things are going. I’m finally back on track with my finances, I’m able to have all the cool widgets I’d like, I finally got rid of that nagging cut on the roof of my mouth we like to call “Jackie”… for good. *knock on wood*

“So.. with things finally starting to look up.. why on earth would hostility be a consequence of it Bob?”

Good question. I thought about that a lot.. and I have deduced the following response. I’m hostile towards myself because I am now generally okay with being alone. Here is a sample of the steps my thought process went through during this 20 minute “ish” period. Ahem..

• I’m rather enjoying being alone, only having to answer to myself really. I see what the people around me have to put up with, and think how on earth could I have ever let myself fall to that level.
• If I enjoy being alone like this, why would I ever give it up? Furthermore, the odds of finding the companion I’m looking for are slim to nil. Why bother?
• I’ve proven to myself, that I don’t need a companion. I’m doing just fine, if not better than I ever have.
• If I don’t need a companion, and I do better for myself without one, then what do I need friends for?
• Is what I’ve gone through in my life going to cause me to become a selfish prick, who thinks the world revolves around him.. much like my father (Oooh, yeah.. I used the F word)

Damn, this formatting after the bullets wont fix itself. Oh well, thats what was going through my mind for twenty or so minutes. Alot of selfish thoughts, I’m not quite sure yet if all of that was a good or a bad thing. But, one thing I do know for certain is… I want to be selfish right now. I want to bask myself in riches and gifts, and do all the things that I have wanted to do, but couldn’t because I’ve spent a good portion of the past 6 years putting everyone else before myself.

Of course.. going to the extreme that my mind processed earlier, would be a bad thing. I think I may have possibly earned a bit of the right to be selfish for even just a little bit?

So… from all that I have come to a conclusion. I have lost touch of who Bob is over these years. How could I let this happen? In my eyes I was a very different person before I joined the army. In alot of ways the changes that I’ve went through have been good, but many bad as well.

Hrmm.. I think it’s time to change that. So thats exactly what I’m going to do over the next,… however long it takes.

The first steps I have already taken, without even fully realizing it. I want to “re-connect” with my love of computers. I’ve been seriously slacking in that department for many, many years. I have so much to re-learn, re-build, and re-do, among tons of new things to learn and do. I now am running twin monitors on my rig, and my word.. it makes life so much better having this much screen real estate.

From that, I’ve concluded that I’ve lost touch with just how much of a total nerd I really am. It’s actually gotten me into a lot of trouble, putting aside my nerdom like I have. The real Bob wouldn’t care about what kind of car he drives, or even really what random strangers think about him. So fuck it. Certainly I can’t just get rid of my cars, but I can do something about the whole strangers thing.

I don’t know what it is that has me thinking this way, I do know, however, that I have lost who I really am. Now is the time to reclaim that, in all the epic glory that is the true nerd, Bob.

Step 2 of reclaiming myself. Grow an epic beard. Yes.. I said it, I’m doing it. I’ve always wanted a beard that Moradin himself (Dwarven god, for you.. non-D&D nerdo’s) would be proud of. Huzzah! Fuck all you naysayers At the very least, I have to grow it, and if it turns out that I’m not a dwarf (NO FUCKING WAY, DWARVES AREN’T REAL?? *rolleyes*) and a beard doesn’t suit me. Well… then I will make friends with the razor again.

I has plans… plans I’m looking forward to, as well as many other things I’m looking forward to. Maybe sometime down the road, I’ll find someone who has many similarities to me, or can accept me for who I really am, and then live happily ever after.. or some such. I’m not even thinking about that right now, I only have visions of me in the future at this point, and I don’t care if thats selfish of me or not. I’ve earned it

*****NOTE******

It’s 7:30 AM, I just got home from work, I’m tired, I don’t know why I felt like doing something “bloggy” but I did… forgive me for grammar, and spelling errors. I’m too tired to go through and proofread everything.

***END OF NOTE*

…or, if you prefer, Tattoos. Yes.. it’s that time again.. and sadly it couldn’t come sooner. I have waited long enough, and laid many plans, but I AM getting my next tattoo soon. I just don’t know which one?!?! So.. there will not be much wordage in todays posting. Just some pictures, and some ideas. For no better reason than to lay it all out for my decision making process.

Let’s get to it.

A dwarf.. my favorite fantasy race evar!!1 The nerd in me cries for more dwarven tattoos

Ahh the fiery bird of the life cycle. Read up about it's meaning.

Another mythical creature... this one.. a bit more ebil!

The codex of virtue

Question everything.

The mythical demons... though.. my life would be fact

The mark of one of Satan's Lieutenants. Believe it or not, he is the demon of love and passion.

These are my personal virtues I posess. Cleanliness, Imagination, Empathy & Sensitivity, and Critical Thinking.

….and thats it for now. Plenty more, but I’m tired and should be going to bed. Remember… these aren’t exact tattoos I’m thinking of getting… especially the one of the night mare.. no no.. must be much sweeter to do a beast like that justice. These are just pictures to gather ideas from.

Goodnite!

Mistakes.

Made all throughout our lives.. some minor, many major. They are a normal part of life we’re told. Growing up we learn from our mistakes. We touch a stove or a hot fire, we get burned. We do everything possible to avoid that in the future, normally. Though some mistakes… most mistakes, we will make numerous times throughout our lives.

The largest mistakes we make, we say we’ve learned our lesson. Most of the time this is false. In fact, my own personal experiences would show that instead of learning from mistakes, it seems I seek those same mistakes out, even after I have been burned. I can’t speak for everyone,.. but I’m sure that there are those out there that could say the same thing.. whether they admit it openly or not.

Is it ingrained in us that we are prone to just consistently making poor choices in certain areas? In our genes maybe. Let us analyze for a moment.

First, the formula:

Desire + Risk * Choice + React = Consequence

This is the formula I came up with. I’ll explain.

Desire. A want, before you can do anything, there has got to be something that you want.

Sally wants an apple

Then you have your risks, simple enough. This is where you weigh out whether it’s worth it or not.

The apple vendor looks shady, dirty, and the apples themselves look spoiled.

Multiply that by the choice you make. I chose multiplication because this is where risk can be heavily amplified.

Sally wants an apple really badly, she has reasoned within herself. Knows the possibilities of the outcome, and makes the purchase. She eats the apple.

Next you have reaction. Add it on, because depending on how you react, it is possible you can affect the outcome.

Some time later, Sally starts to feel woozy, instead of carrying on with the rest of her day, she decides to go home and try to sleep it off. Later on during the day she is not feeling any better and thinks about the doctor.

Lastly of course, you have the final outcome. Consequence.

Sally, writhing on the floor in pain, reaches for the phone to call an ambulance. Her life expires before she even hit ‘9’

There you have it. A mistake Sally will not be making again

Okay… that was a little morbid… and random. My apologies.

The point of it all is. We see the risks in the choices we make, and we don’t stop the process out of desire. This is why bad things happen to us. I would think it’s safe to say that at least 85% of the bad things that happen to us in our lives, are totally in our power to control.

Yet, mistakes are still made, daily.

Are we just bored as humans that we have to go seeking pain… on any level we can get it? Have we all evolved into some highly intelligent, masochistic beings?

…or, is there something else going on behind the scenes that we don’t see. Ahhh.

Emotions.

Those little logic defying bastards.

That would be the answer folks.. we are not some form of insane pain pleasure beings. Some of us are… but that’s.. yeah.

I’ll use love as an example here because.. well… it’s the easiest one.

Love > Logic

-or-

Love is not logical, not in the least bit. Logical would be to avoid love, avoid the pain. We all know this.. we’ve heard the stories, known people that have had their hearts broken, time and time again. The chance in this day and age of finding “real love”… well, I would say you probably have a better chance of winning the state lotto.

But we still seek it… all of us. It’s a mistake we will all make time and time again, until we expire… much like Sally a few lines up.

Anywho…

Pinch Harmonics are a pain in my ass. My pinky finger has been irritating the crap out of me today. I bashed my knee cap on to my desk a few hours ago, left a good bruise. My uncle is up here in Washington for work. I’ll get to hang with him next week, can’t wait. It’s been a while since I’ve seen… *any* family. So that’s good. There you have it… my positive note to end on

Cheers!

Come eat some chemicals with me…

Scars on Broadway.. the newly formed band from remnants of System of a Down. A good way to start off the end of the summer for music. Theres much to look forward to musically coming the next few months, and this album is a great lead into it. I highly recommend taking a listen.

I’d like to take some time today to talk about patterns.

3.a natural or chance marking, configuration, or design: patterns of frost on the window.

Life is full of them. We develop them as we go. But waking up, taking a piss, and brushing your teeth is not the type of pattern I’m talking about.

Natural occurrences.  The type of patterns that seem to be well out of our control. What do they mean? Do they even exist? Are we bound by some universal pattern that we have no clue about?

Exhibit A..

At 17 Shannon is pregnant
As young as her mom when she had her
Her kid is never gonna have a dad
The same old way that Shannon never had
What comes around well it goes around
Nothing changes cause it’s all the same
The world you get’s the one you give away
It all just happens again
Way down the line
And all the things you learn when you’re a kid
You’ll fuck up just like your parents did
It all just happens again
Way down the line

Is the above some pattern? It seems so. And it seems true too. Certainly we have some sort of control that we retain over this pattern, people break out of what is “expected” of them all the time. Children in India educate, and throughout their life, break out of the third world and become doctor’s. But more often than not, people fall into the pattern that seems to be handed to them.

It could go hand-in-hand with predestination… fate. Are we all dealt our cards when we are born, or perhaps earlier? I say no. As much as I would like to tell myself that all the things that I go through, all the experiences, are just the will of a higher power (fate or god(s).. I think it’s a cop out.

Fate is just an excuse weak people use to justify what is happening to them in there lives. Instead of self-reflecting, and seeing that they themselves have a problem. They just simply state “Oh, well.. it must be fate”

When a couple goes through a break up, the one getting their heart broken, who is longing for that other person continually gets told that “If it’s meant to be, it will be.” Sure its a quick and simple fix. Hearing that lifts the person up… but it’s just an excuse, and a harming one at that.

The choices we make are OUR choices, and when one of OUR choices fail, we should not turn to something to fall back on. We should learn from our mistakes, and when you use the word “fate” you don’t learn anything. You’re finding a release for your pain, but since you are not learning the lesson, you’re just lining yourself up to make the same mistake again.

People seem to be so afraid to break the patterns that emerge throughout our lives. We are afraid to take personal responsibility for our actions and grow from them. It is a scary thing. History proves that mistakes get repeated. But if we never heard or said things like “It’s the will of the gods” maybe the world would be a better place today.

Think about it. If we all took personal responsibility for our actions, would history repeat itself so much?

Bleh. I just got a banging on my door saying dinner was done and that totally threw my train of thought off. I forgot where I was going with that. And now I have to think about something positive to end this with…

If we draw upon the strengths within ourselves, and admit that the mistakes we make are our faults, and not some unseen power, or a universal pattern. Maybe, just maybe our lives would be more harmonious.

So next time you make a mistake, no matter how minimal, or major. Look inwards, learn from it, and strengthen yourself.

*Beefs up*

Rawr.

I am a seeker of the simple life. The mundane amuses me, though monotony I’ll pass on as much as possible. I am greatful that I can live my life as such.  Though I am lonely, I am realizing through my lonliness that I have been missing out on what is truly important to me. Simplicity. Watching a candle burn to nothing but a flickering pile of wax. This I have not been able to do in quite some time.

I find peace within it all. The world is a complicated place, only because we as humans choose to complicate it. Not many people these days can be content with just laying in the grass, or watching a thunderstorm through the window. Because the world has gotten so busy, we ourselves feel the urge to keep busy at all times.

Even at times when I am relaxing, I still get the feeling of “boredom” this I laugh at, because, really.. what is boredom? Laying down and falling within your own mind is entertainment as much as anything else. There are many people out there who are not content with doing nothing. They always have to be doing something.. I don’t understand these people, and more and more it seems that this is the way human life is progressing period.

People tell me all the time that I should get out and enjoy my young, single life, while I still can. Usually, what this means is “Dude, you should be like.. going out to bars and stuff”.. when someone asks me what I do for fun and I say goto parks, I get a funny look. I mean.. enjoy whatever you enjoy people, but don’t look at me all goofy like just because I don’t like the things an average 23 year old likes.

I am content with how simple  my life is, I only hope that sometime throughout my simple life, I will find another person who can sit back and enjoy simplicity as much as I do. Somehow I don’t see that happening before I’m 30, unless I meet someone older. People in their 20’s are all about partying and all that “fun” stuff… thats just not who I am.

I have never fit in with my age bracket though. I take solace in that

I don’t know if it’s because I have an old soul, or just all that I’ve been through in my life made me grow up faster than everyone else. Whatever it is.. I’m thankful. Though sometimes it makes me feel bad, and feel like I will be alone like this forever, most of the time, it makes me feel good.. it’s a boost to know that you’re ahead of the game.

I try to learn as much as possible throughout my life, about anything I can. If I don’t learn at least one new thing a day… I will not let that day end. Sometimes I feel like people like myself are a dying breed. But thats baloney.. I know there are still people out there who enjoy the simple things.. like knowledge.. just as much as I.

Thats all I got for now.. I promise tomorrow I will bring something strange and weird to this blog I feel the weird building in my as I type.

Religion. Belief. It is a strange notion. Yet.. everyone spends quite some time in their life.. if not their entire life searching for it, or practicing. Why?

Tonight was a very revealing night to me. I have been searching for a religion to call mine. 16 years it has been since I first started thinking for myself, and thinking about what is the meaning of existence. Seeking some solace in a belief structure that *feels* right. I put emphasis on the word feels because to me religion is not just a thought, or guidelines to follow and live your life by. It’s more than that. It’s more than just faith as well. Religion is something you should feel within every fiber of your being.

For many years, I had no idea what I believed.. if I had any beliefs, or where to begin the search. I was completely lost. Without hope, and even claimed to be an atheist at times. As time passed and I gained more knowledge over various religions and philosophies, I started to develop my own core beliefs. None of the “mainstream” religions felt right, nor did I agree with their practices. So I took a bit from here and there, and developed something to live my life by, that felt right to me.

Just a few months ago, my core belief system was complete. I knew what I felt, and knew that it was indeed my beliefs.

But, before I go on with my story, I would like to talk about Religion, the subject.

How silly of an idea? Yet, nearly every human on the planet feels like there is something higher than ourselves. Why is that? We are clearly the dominate species on this world. All of my negative thoughts about the human race aside (Believe me I could go on for days about what I feel for the human race)… we have evolved into something great.

But.. for whatever reason.. we still feel like we are not enough. There HAS to be something else. Is this just because we are the dominate species of the planet.. or could it simply stem from the fact that everything we have feared is now beneath us.. and the only thing humans fear is humans themselves?

There are many religions out there that use fear as a tactic to “herd the flock.” I don’t believe that religion started out this way… no.. I think they use fear as a tool to get people to conform. Shame, religion, god.. the afterlife.. should be something that is loved and embraced. Not feared. People should do good things because they want to do good things… not because they are afraid of repercussions.

This is by and far one of the largest factors in me swearing off organized religion. I wont point any fingers, because everyone is entitled to believe what they want. But.. I feel sorry for followers of these churches. Cult I think is a more appropriate word.. but again.. thats my perspective.

Then you have other religions, or sects/denominations of religions who are skewed and believe that anyone who doesn’t follow the word of <insert god here> will be punished for eternity. What. The. Fuck. I honestly have a hard time seeing how anyone can believe this. To say that because I don’t believe the same things you do, that I am a terrible person and I am going to burn for it? I’m sorry, but if god created everything, I absolutely cannot believe that he/she/them would punish us for not having “faith.”

It’s bullshit.

To add to that.. you have other sects/denominations that think they followers will be rewarded for punishing and carrying out judgment on non-believers. Yes, I realize this is only in extreme cases, but wow.. just wow. Thats not belief.. thats called insanity. But… more times than not.. religion is just used as a scapegoat to carry out some other equally fucked up agenda of some crazy douchebag, and brainwash the followers into doing their fucked up biddings.

Argh.

The thing that chaffs my loins the most though.. is why people can’t just let everyone believe what they want and leave it be. Why do you have to attack people, or say this, or say that, preach this and preach that.. try to get the “other group” out of the picture? It’s not that fucking hard. Seriously.

The human race is a violent one, thats a given. I’m not saying lets all hold hands and be peaceful.. I know that will never happen. Ever. World peace is a fairy tale. All I’m saying is… Killing in the name of God is just obscene beyond everything else.

A man kills another man in cold blood. Happens every day, you see it all the time on the news. Sad.. but we hardly pay any attention to it.

-But-

When a man kills another man in the name of god.. it makes national.. sometimes international news.

Obviously when you throw god into the mix.. it makes any crime that much more obscene and horrific. Heh.. It’s kind of like shock rock.. or torture horror (movies like Saw and Hostel) Most of the time in the case of shock rock.. it’s not the music thats the big deal.. it’s what is being said in the music that creates all the hype and buzz and gets people listening.

It’s like emo kids cutting themselves with no intentions of following through with their “suicidal ideation.” It’s crap and it’s all just for attention.

By no means does this only apply to religion either.. thats just one example of many.. politics, business, advertising, hell… even love. It’s all about attention. But I’m getting off topic now.

But what about atheists Bob? Fuck. Atheists.

Yes, I said it. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I make an exception for Atheists. Why? Because Atheism is something that does not exist. To say you don’t believe in a higher power, or the afterlife, is purely asinine. A true atheist wouldn’t believe in anything, including fate and love. Furthermore, why would an atheist adhere to any morals? What would be the punishment, aside from the law of men, in killing someone? If there is no karma, and no divine retribution, then why not rob, kill, steal, cheat and all that other “bad” stuff? Why not just kill yourself? Life is about pain and suffering, and one way many many people deal with it is the belief that in the end, there is something there that pushes us in our mortal lives, and that if we do those bad things, we will be punished in some way for them. But you atheists don’t believe in anything… so why go through all the pain and suffering? Just off yourself now. Please.

*ahem* Sorry about that.

I’ll get back to my story now, and wrap up this entry with *woop woop* another positive note.

My search may be coming to a abrupt halt.

Tonight, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Without even realizing it, those core beliefs that I have formed in the past year or two, what I *feel* is right. Is shared identically with a religion that has existed for… who the hell knows how long.

This has been building for a while, and I will go into more details once I’m certain. But.. one hour tonight, and my world was totally flipped upside down. When it hit me, it felt like some enormous weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I honestly didn’t know how to feel.. and I can say this without a doubt, it was the same feeling you get when you fall hard hard hard in love.

But… who’s rushing things? I’ve learned what happens when you rush into feelings this big Certainly.. the core beliefs between this religion and “my own” are identical. Now, it is time to look into the exact beliefs, and practices. It is time for me to stop searching outwards for a religion, and now search inwards, and take a journey inside. It is time for me to learn and interpret what I can from this religion before I decide to claim it as a part of me. It is a very very very large step for me, because a belief system can totally change your life, hopefully for the better.

I can’t say for sure yet. But, for certain… my world has been rocked and I am looking forward to delving within and hopefully finding some more answers. I have never been so scared, yet so excited. In all my search, I have never felt this when it comes to religions.

Goodnight.